Permanent Marks

It has taken me until the very end of the day to finish this post because I actually don't know what to say.

Things feel... so normal. There are so many fewer obstacles to tackle each day, fewer things that stand out to me as new cultural differences, fewer changes or additions to things I have already discussed.

I guess this all shows that there has been one big change, a change that has been taking place slowly enough that I barely noticed it: I'm somewhat adjusted.

This week, for the first time, I actually felt really sad about the prospect of leaving Argentina.

After my circus class ended on Monday, I was saying goodbye to my teacher, and I realized that in a couple months I would be saying goodbye... forever. No more stretching on the exercise balls for warm-up, no more kissing every single person when I walk into the class, no more learning the names of moves in Spanish, no more growing alongside this unique group of artists...

I don't feel like I've had the same kind of intense bonds with people that I had with some of the friends I made at Oxford, but over the last several months I've had so many relationships that have built up slowly. So many people who have become part of my life day after day. And I am finally at the point where I realize that I am going to lose all of those small moments with people... the teacher I've worked with, the students I've grown close to, everyone who has helped me grow accustomed to this city.

Yesterday I met up with the owner of the apartment I used to rent so that we could catch up and I could return the keys and such, and I was telling her that it has taken me 6 months to finally feel "comoda" (comfortable) in my new city, my new life here. And, now that I'm pretty much adjusted, I have only 2 months left to enjoy this newfound sense of belonging.

At the Fulbright conference in Rio back in July, there was a discussion about "Life After Fulbright," and the presenters discussed the way that after you have lived in a different country, a different culture, for a period of time, you may not feel like you quite "fit in" anywhere anymore. They used an analogy with shapes... If you start off a triangle living in Triangle Country, then live in Circle Country, you may not totally become a circle, but you do change... maybe, for instance, you kinda become a square. And when you go back to Triangle Country, suddenly you realize you're not a triangle anymore, and you're not a circle, you're just... something different.

Back at Oxford, I took the positive spin on this: "If home is where the heart is, then I have a great many homes," I wrote right before leaving.

Which is still true... but it is also true that when I feel like I have so many places that are part of me, then wherever I am there is always something missing.

I've felt that my whole life with San Francisco and Spirit Lake, Idaho, where my family's summer cabin is. I always felt like "home" was half in SF and half at the Lake.

And then I moved to college in Washington State, and Walla Walla and Seattle became my new homes, and now when I'm down in California I miss the Pacific Northwest.

And then I studied abroad at Oxford, and Oxford became another piece of home.

And now, Argentina.

I love each of these places very much, and I wouldn't want to take back any of the experiences I've had in them... but it is frustrating that whichever place I'm in, part of me longs to be somewhere else.

I appreciate symbolism (I mean I was an English major, what do you expect), and at each of these places I've ended up with a physical mark.

I first pierced my ears when I was 13, at the Claire's in Stonestown Mall in San Francisco, and at the time I thought it was the only piercing I was going to get.

When I went to Oxford, I wanted to mark myself somehow, physically, to reflect the less tangible effects it had on me as a person... and I got my first cartilage piercing.

My mark from college wasn't quite as intentional... At the graduation party one of my friends through, I climbed a rope and ended with one of the deeper rope burns I've gotten... it took all summer to heal, and remained sensitive into the following spring. That mark, I think, is reflective of the time it took for me to process the emotional roller coaster of graduation, the end of the educational conveyer belt I'd been on for as long as I could remember.

Yesterday, one of the very first friends I made here in Córdoba came with me to the local tattoo parlor and I got my second cartilage piercing to mark my time here.

Sorry I don't actually have a good picture, just took this in the light of the street lamps while I was waiting for the bus back to my house...

It was surprisingly fast and it was... I dunno, it was kinda weird how easy it was to just suddenly have another piercing. My friend walked with me to the pharmacy (which I just tried to spell "farmacy," because the major pharmacy here is call "Farmacity") and helped me buy antibacterial soap and saline solution so I can take good care of the piercing throughout the healing process.

I know that these physical markings aren't the most important part of an experience, but they help me remember that in some way, I carry these places with me wherever I go.

I've been a square for a while now... not wholly of any one place, carrying with me the customs and experiences and friendships from the many places I have called home.

For all the time that I've spent longing to be back in San Francisco, it's going to be hard to say goodbye to this country.

And I thought my travel bug would be gone after this... but I'm already talking to friends about the places I want to go next. Not immediately, for sure-- I need to settle for a while first. But in a few more years... I guess I can't stop finding new places to miss.