Lizzy en Argentina: 10 Things I Love About Me (written Sunday, Sep 3)

This video is supposed to go at the end with the photos, but it won't

move from here, so... have a slow-mo hummingbird video!

I wrote this post while getting ready to leave Iguazú Falls, which I visited this past weekend, and I didn't have time to type it up until today! Will write a regular blog post this Sunday.

I am, and have always been, a lot harder on myself than pretty much anyone else is on me. But since the end of high school, and especially the past year or so, I have been working to improve at self-care.

Self-care means a lot of different things to me. Sometimes it means physical activity, fresh air, getting outside of the house, having a healthy diet, and keeping up good personal hygiene. Sometimes it means doing things I don't feel like doing in the moment but that I know will help prevent feeling much worse in the future. Sometimes it means practicing mindfulness daily, going to weekly counseling sessions, and taking time for reflection and introspection. And sometimes it means coating the backs of my hands in lavender-scented lotion and curling up in my favorite blanket with my stuffed polar bear and drinking a hot cup of chamomile tea with honey.

One frequently recommended self-care action that has always been especially hard for me is self-affirmation. I can write gratitude notes before bedtime and feel proud of the accomplishments of my best friends, but when it comes to written or verbal affirmations about myself... I am rarely in a place where I feel like I can say anything positive, or at least not without countering it with some corresponding flaw.

But right now I'm getting ready to hop on a plane home from Puerto Iguazú, and I actually feel kind of proud of myself for the things I have done this weekend and throughout my Argentina journey in general. So, I'm gonna make a little list of things I am proud of or appreciate about myself, accomplishments that sometimes seem a little trivial but have actually taken a lot of work.

1) I told someone something they didn't want to hear because I knew it was the decision I needed to make for my own growth and well-being

Specifically, after a gas outage lasting 3 weeks, I finally told my apartment owner (who has become a friend) that I need to move, and that she won't be receiving rent from me for the next few months because I have the option of being in a place with hot showers and being able to cook and having someone present in the house who can help problem-solve issues, and I need to take that option. My trip to Iguazú marked my leaving my old apartment and moving into a room with my professor's mom in a fancy neighborhood on the outskirts of the city.

I explained this to a friend as we walked through the Iguazú National Park, and told her how I was really afraid to tell my apartment owner that I was leaving before I said I would, even though it was obvious that I had every right to do so. My friend talked about a class she had taken in college that taught her the term "nice girl in recovery."

There is a lot of pressure, especially on femme people, people assigned female at birth, and minority groups, to be likable or "nice," often to the extend of ignoring our own needs in order to prioritize the comfort of others (see: L'Oreal first hired a black trans model for their new diversity campaign and then fired her when she spoke on social media about the reality of racism in our country in a way that wasn't nice enough). If you're not quiet, submissive, agreeable, nice enough, you get dismissed by terms like "angry feminist" or "uppity black." And because the consequences can be so great-- so much as losing a relationship, a job, or even your life-- it's really hard to fight off that pressure even in much more low-key situations.

I find it ridiculously hard to say no to people, and I stayed in my apartment more than three weeks without hot water and eating only salads and microwaved foods partially because I didn't want to deal with the stress of moving again, but mostly because I didn't want to let down my apartment owner.

I think it is a good thing that I don't want to let other people down and that I take into account how my decisions will affect those around me. But at a certain point, I need to make the decision that is truly authentic to who I am and what I need... if I don't do that, then I'm not being fair to anyone, myself or others. So, I do feel pretty proud of myself for finally telling her that I needed to leave and finding a place and making it happen.

2) I admitted that I was struggling with something

Well, eventually. The first two weeks without gas, I didn't really talk or complain about it much to people outside of my immediate family. When people asked how I was doing, I talked about other things and said everything was fine.

When I finally started telling people that the gas had been out, I lied and said it had only been a couple days.

Why??

First of all, I know that not having gas is really not a big deal. Thousands of people are currently losing their homes to the changes in the global climate and the storms that are destroying their neighborhoods... and I am complaining about a few cold showers?

But ideally I can acknowledge other people's struggles, do my best to contribute by donating and spreading awareness, and also have space to acknowledge smaller things that I am dealing with. It doesn't have to be a comparison or zero-sum game.

So what else holds me back?

Sometimes I think I feel that by even voicing a concern or discomfort I am experiencing, I am unfairly placing my burdens on people or inconveniencing them or making them feel obligated to do something (listen, help, etc) that they don't actually want to do.

By actually admitting when I am having a problem, I have to place trust in the people I talk to that they will be honest about their own boundaries, what they can and cannot do to support me. In this case, everyone has been validating, and many have offered help in some form, from letting me take a hot shower in their house to helping me find a place to move.

3) I actually accepted help

One of my professors recommended that I reach out to her mom, whose house I stayed when I got back late from the airport. I'll call her Andrea here.

Andrea has a free room in her house, reliable hot water, a great stove and oven, and-- get this-- a DISHWASHER (seriously, this is the first one of these things I've seen in Argentina). She lives in a mini gated community in one of the wealthier districts of the city, very different from the other places I've lived so far.

She was happy to have me come join her, and if all goes well I will probably stay at this new place until I leave.

4) I went on some adventures alone

First of all, I booked a somewhat spontaneous trip to Iguazú because why not, and I met up with another Fulbrighter to explore on Saturday and did exploring on my own on Sunday. I went on a guided tour of Güria Oga, an amazing animal rescue center located right by the park, I asked a taxi driver for food recommendations, I treated myself to lunch, I visited the hummingbird garden in Puerto Iguazú, and I went on a nice walk out to the lookout where you can see Paraguay, Brazil, and Argentina all at once.

5) I had conversations with strangers and got to know a little bit about their lives

Being a traveler surrounded by other travelers makes it so much easier to talk to other people. I had conversations with people from Germany, Italy, Brazil, Argentina, and the US in three different languages (English, Spanish, and Portuguese, which I don't really speak but is similar enough to Spanish that I can guess some words and was able to stumble through a basic conversation with a Brazilian couple). Everyone says (and I think it's true) that one of the most impactful things about traveling is getting to meet many different people who come from completely different places, cultures, and sets of experiences... sometimes I feel so introverted I never actually get around to learning about people, but I did quite a bit of it this trip and am really proud of myself.

6) My Spanish is actually improving a lot

I will always have room for improvement. Spanish will never be as natural as my first language and of course I'm not perfect. But it really is about time that I give myself credit for the fact that I have actually improved a ton, and I need to stay willing to keep practicing and actually use it!

I had a whole conversation with a Cordobés person in Spanish and it was really smooth, easily moving from one topic or question to the next... I'm now going to be living with Andrea, who only speaks Spanish, so I'll be getting even more practice... It's becoming less of a point of anxiety and more and more a normal part of my life.

7) I finished the 5th Harry Potter book (in Spanish)

'nough said. That book is a freakin' monster... only two more left! Excited to watch the Spanish Dub version of the movie this weekend...

8) I strive to live by the qualities of the obvious best Hogwarts House, Hufflepuff

Helga Hufflepuff is the only Hogwarts Founder who says she will accept anyone who wants to learn. Slytherin is super racist, Gryffindor is an arrogant jerk who says he'll only accept people who never back down from a fight, and Ravenclaw is kind of an elitist who only accepts people who match her criteria for being "smart," which is usually book-smart and certainly doesn't fit well with a growth-mindset.

I will always be proud to be a Hufflepuff, and I think the core values of hard work, loyalty, and acceptance are values that have become increasingly relevant.

9) I'm doing so many cool things on aerial rope

10) I provide a safe space for shy students at my institute who are afraid to speak in class to practice their English

I now work with two students every week on individual English conversation sessions, as well as other students on occasion. Both are older than the average student and feel really self-conscious about their accents and really anxious about speaking in class.

As someone who always struggled with speaking in class discussion, I have so much empathy for them and it means a lot to me that they have both felt safe enough with me to have full conversations in English and not worry quite so much about mistakes. I've learned so much about their lives and aspirations from spending time speaking with them each week, and I can see them slowly building confidence.

It means a lot to me that these students feel comfortable telling me about themselves and working on their language skills when I know how reserved and afraid they feel in class... and I am glad that I am able to be someone they can trust.

So, those are my 10 affirmations. I think this positive mood came about as a consequence of taking the weekend off to see one of the natural wonders of the world, Iguazú Falls... It is so huge that you can see it from the International Space Station. Absolutely stunning.