(Fyi, Argentine cooking shows = lots of asado, but they included a grilled provolone dish with cherry tomatoes so this vegetarian is happy :) Plus I still find it really interesting to see how they cook the meat dishes)
Today, after a sudden random thunderstorm right around noon, we broke our regular stay-at-home Sunday routine and my host family and I drove out into the mountains. We brought our mate and home-baked blueberry muffins and made our way up to Río Ceballos to spend the afternoon by the dique la quebrada, a dam in the mountains.
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| My housemate, who is lovely and takes such good care of me and is an incredibly generous soul <3 |
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| Pano of the dam (that wall is straight irl lol) |
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| We brought our homemade blueberry muffins, baked last night by me and my profe, to snack on |
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| View of the amphitheater were we sat to drink mate |
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| Can you believe it was thunderstorming earlier in the day?? The weather was gorgeous |
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| Me and my profe/mentor/Argentine mom, the incredible person who has taken me into her family and helped me out these past couple months |
Kiddos ("Chicis," as their mom calls them-- pronounced "cheek-ees") doing cartwheels, which apparently are called medialunas here, like the pastry :)
It was a really nice afternoon, especially because this morning I woke up really missing the outdoor trips I used to go on with my family in the Bay Area.
After walking around in the mountains, breathing the fresh air and closing my eyes and not hearing any of the sounds of the city, I felt calm, refreshed, tranqui...
And I thought about something that I've been told a lot here: sos muy sana!/You're so healthy!
Whenever I eat something with vegetables instead of meat, this is usually the response I get. When I make chia seed pudding, people tell me this. When I cook up a milenesa de soja, a breaded soy patty, instead of the traditional meat milenesa, I hear this... even when my patty is equally breaded and fried.
I've been thinking a lot about what it means to be sana, healthy, and in what instances people use that word to label me... and in what instances they don't use it to label others.
/// TW for the following parts of this post: discussion of eating disorders ///
I don't think they're wrong. I do try to be conscious of my habits, eating and otherwise, and I strive to be a healthy person (i.e. my earlier blog post about self-care). But sometimes it feels a little weird to have people comment on my "healthy habits" specifically because of what I choose (not) to eat-- usually while putting themselves down for their own choices. I can't name the number of times I have shared pastries with an Argentine woman who has said at some point "Oh I shouldn't be eating these," or commented on the amount of flour and sugar and butter, or said they haven't been going to the gym enough. These comments happen a lot at home in the states, too, but I guess I have particularly noticed them here.
And I am not ignorant of the fact that the comments about my perceived healthiness are directly tied to my physical appearance-- namely, the fact that I'm tall and thin. I question whether, if I had a shorter, curvier build or had more fat, I would get the same comments-- even if I made the same choices about food.
I've never had an easy time balancing the pressure to achieve impossible thinness/fitness standards with my underlying knowledge that the way I look doesn't determine my value as a human being. Actually, that's not true-- I have a very distinct memory of discussing eating disorders with my dad after I read about them in a puberty book I had been reading, probably around 6th grade. My dad told me that I should never feel like I had to starve myself or make myself throw up. I laughed and said he didn't have to worry, I loved food way too much (and hated throwing up way too much) to ever want to do that.
Somehow, over the next few years, that casual confidence disappeared. I guess I didn't realize at the time how invasive those kinds of thoughts and impulses could be.
In my experience of U. S. culture and Argentine culture alike, there's a common association between eating "too much" => unhealthy => morally bad. This is a huge problem that is perpetuated by all kinds of media (looking at you, Rowling, and the portrayal of fatness throughout Harry Potter...).
I've noticed that at times when I felt good about myself, when I felt like I was making positive contributions to the world, what I ate didn't bother me so much. It was when I felt like I had messed up or I was overwhelmed by things going on in my life or I just didn't feel "good enough" that the kinds of thoughts I told my dad I would never have started to sneak in. I think I had internalized a lot of the fatphobia that permeates our culture, our media; when I wasn't in a particularly healthy state of mind, what I ate and what my body looked like became tied to my worth as a person.
Many, many people, of all genders, have experienced similar feelings. I've heard the statistic (echoed in this article) that 1 in 10 Argentines suffer from an eating disorder.
A lot of times, when people say "sos muy sana," it doesn't sound like it's about me so much as it is a critical self-reflection... and I don't want anyone else beating themselves up based on the way I behave and look. I don't want to perpetuate the culture of body-policing that exists in the U. S. and South America alike. Because of genetics, I have a fast metabolism and I'm almost 6 feet tall and I don't put on weight as easily as some people do. But that doesn't necessarily say anything about how healthy/unhealthy I am, or about who I am as a person.
My first few months in Argentina took a lot of adjustment, and a huge part of that was finding a healthy routine with food and exercise. As I wrote about, things as simple as going to the grocery store felt really scary, and since I kept moving locations, I often didn't know my way around the kitchen (or the lack of gas meant I couldn't use the kitchen). As I didn't know my way around or know what areas were safe or unsafe, I had a really hard time going for runs or doing any exercise outside. The most accessible foods were pizza, pasta, and empanadas; I was surrounded by bakeries; and the social culture often involved plates of delicious pastries... and since school started late I had very little to occupy my time and felt I was already failing to meet my own expectations for what I would accomplish during my time here. It all brought back a lot of the body anxiety that I thought I had mostly put behind me.
One of the things I realized about having these kinds of feelings is that the thoughts may never entirely go away, I just become a lot better at dealing with them. I've worked to educate myself about fat-shaming and body positivity. If I strongly hold the belief that how someone eats or how fat they are does not in any way affect their value as a human being-- which I do-- then being caught up in self-critical thoughts based around my own eating or bodyweight leads to cognitive dissonance. I can't say all bodies are good while at the same time focus my actions and efforts on losing (or avoiding gaining) weight. And by calling out the negative thoughts in myself, I can begin to break down the unconscious biases I have about physical appearance and worth. I try to catch myself when I begin policing myself ("Oh, I shouldn't eat another" or "Haha good thing I went for a run this morning) and instead focus on being mindful about my choices ("That cupcake was good but I'm full and don't need another right now, maybe later this evening," or "I'm feeling a little low-energy, maybe some yoga and stretching will help wake my body up").
Some time around junior year of college, when I was having an especially hard time with this stuff, I started a list. When the negative thoughts felt particularly strong, I would write down one reason not to follow through. Each time I had to look at the list again and add another (new) reason. I was surprised by how effective this was for me-- sometimes just the knowledge that I have the list can help flip my mindset or stop a negative spiral.
So right now... yeah, I feel pretty sana. I exercise because it makes my body feel better and I want to become stronger and I want to get better at aerial rope. I eat foods that I enjoy making, that taste good, and that include-- as much as possible-- sustainably and ethically produced ingredients. I meditate because it helps me keep my mind and body connected/balanced.
I wish there was an easy way to respond to people's comments and acknowledge the complicated role that health of body and mind plays in my salud in addition to just eating some vegetables. At the moment I don't know what it is, so when people say this, I just kind of smile and wave it off.
It's hard for me to talk about this stuff. The truth is that I finished writing this post on Sunday, but it took me until halfway through the week to post it because... it's hard to acknowledge that I sometimes struggle with food and body image. It's hard because I do freaking love food, and I am known as someone who loves food, so admitting that I sometimes have a complicated relationship with food is hard. And it's hard because I know that I benefit from thin privilege, and so acknowledging that the culture of dieting and body-shaming affects me, too, can feel a little counter-intuitive. But it does, it effects everyone, and I think one of the most positive things I can do is to address my own relationship with my body... and be honest about that.
So there we go... that was a post that got much more intense that I intended when I first sat down to write. But I guess that usually tends to happen, and was sort of the intention with this blog.
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