Es necesario un cambio en el circo
Es necesario
un cambio
en el circo
Es necesario un cambio en
el circo
Es necesario un
cambio
en
el
circo
Es necesario un cambio
en el circo
This is the phrase that I repeated, out loud, while moving through the same short aerial rope sequence again and again today in my rope class,
broken into pieces as I caught my breath,
climbed higher, es
flipped myself upside down, necesario
released my grip, un
curled inward, cambio
expanded outward, en
reached up higher, el
lowered myself slowly, circo
climbed up again:
Es necesario un cambio en el circo.
(A) Change is necessary in circus.
My teacher, Flor, is amazing. I believe I have already written about this. She reminds me of my dance teacher from college, whose classes legitimately changed my life and transformed the way I move through the world.
Today, while everyone was warming up (there are two ropes and today we had seven students, so we take turns doing warm-up climbs), Flor had those of us who were waiting for the rope read through a little pamphlet of short essays on circus. She asked us each to pick out a short phrase and memorize it. She told me I could think of a phrase in English if I wanted, but I am used to the entire class being in Spanish, and I liked one of the first phrases that I saw: Es necesario un cambio en el circo. If I am reading it correctly, the author could mean that there is something wrong with circus, that some sort of a change is necessary, but it can also mean that change is a necessary component of circus.
After we had chosen our phrase, she had us create a short series of movements on the rope, something we could repeat a few times.
Then we ran through our sequence, the entire time murmuring our phrase under our breath.
The most common direction I hear in rope class here is "relájate!"-- "relax!" And she's right-- I'm tense, I'm used to focusing on form and technique, on perfectly pointed toes and shoulders back and all that good stuff.
And technique is good, it's important, but my focus also comes with fear.
I'm afraid that I'm not strong enough. That I'm weak.
I'm afraid that my grip will slip.
I'm afraid of failing.
I'm afraid to release both hands even when I know that I have securely wrapped the rope around my legs.
I'm afraid of embarrassing myself in front of these people around whom I already feel stupid because I can't even speak their language right.
All of that fear is visible, visceral, when I climb the rope, when I cling to it. It creates tension, a lack of continuity between the movements. It actually makes doing everything on the rope harder.
The point of this exercise, then, for me and for everyone else, was to get us out of our heads.
Or into our heads?
No, not in or out-- to sync our mind with our body.
Concentrate too much on the words, and the movements become fractured.
Concentrate too much on the movements and we forget to say the words.
The first time was just kind of awkward. Everyone murmured their phrases quietly under their breath, so quietly only bits of words were audible as they exerted particular force.
But as we went through our sequences again and again, Flor encouraged us: "más fuerza!"-- "stronger!"
Not only the words but the movements became stronger. We got tired-- it's hard to stay on the rope for an extended period of time. Endurance is one of the things I struggle with most.
But she pushed us to keep going, to speak louder. Our movements were more fluid. The sequences became something more than just one technique after another. You could see the words emerging through people's bodies-- the savageness of a motion ("tiene que ser salvaje"/"it must be savage"), the smooth intention tying each movement together ("hay una intención"/"there is intention"), the bouncy change from one knee hooked to the other and back ("es necesario un cambio"/"a change is necessary). People were panting, spitting their words out in pieces as they exerted effort to complete the sequence as fully as they had the previous time...
I stopped thinking about my grip.
I stopped thinking about the pinching feeling against my thigh, on my waist.
I stopped feeling stupid for saying those words out loud.
un cambio...
en el circo...
es necesario...
Un cambio. Change has been the focal point of my life recently. I know it's cliche, but I am a sucker for the saying "The only thing that never changes is change itself." After majoring in philosophy, I've gotta say one of my favorite philosophers is Thales, who (as far as we know) had a philosophy based around the principle "Everything is water." This could have a lot of meanings and probably had something to do with a scientific belief about water being the original substance, but I like to interpret it as an acknowledgement of the fluid, ever-changing nature of everything. In the most recent book series I read and loved, the Earthseed books by Octavia Butler, the main character bases her religion not around a conscious god, but around Change. She writes:
"All that you touch
You Change.
All that you Change
Changes you.
The only lasting truth
Is Change.
God
Is Change."
I've been struggling with change recently. Moving to Argentina was a big change, but it wasn't like I moved and everything settled-- ever since I got here, I have experienced constant change. Internally, externally... every week I struggle to focus on a single theme in my blog posts because it just feels like so much has changed.
There was something cathartic about repeating that phrase about change over and over, feeling it more than thinking it.
Circus, in general, is cathartic.
It is Change.
It is constant change of the body and the mind. It is the body daring to do what the mind can scarcely imagine. It is the mind opening to encompass the possibilities that did not exist before.
A couple months ago, when I first got to Córdoba and was trying to settle in and find a circus community, I kind of gave up on circus being a really meaningful side project during my time here. I figured, I'll just take some classes, spend some time doing the same aerial stuff I did at home, and that will be good enough.
I was afraid that I wouldn't find a circus community, that what I had come here searching for in my side project didn't exist.
But of course community exists where there is circus.
And I've found it...
After the activity, we sat down in a circle and processed together. We talked about how something like this, that pushes us beyond mental limitations, that makes us feel kind of silly and embarrassed at first, ultimately has the potential (if we find it within ourselves to engage authentically) to create a sort of sacred space, to bring us together as a group.
Circus is hard. It requires a lot, physically and mentally.
It hurts.
I have bruises on my thighs, on my ankles and the tops of my feet, on my waist. Another student got her first rope burn a couple weeks ago.
Circus marks you.
But when you go through that together, you come out sharing something.
Circus also heals.
After we exhaust ourselves on the rope, our muscles aching and our skin red, we sit down and we take care of ourselves, of each other.
We stretch, gently.
We slowly rub the tension out of our forearms.
We sit in a massage circle and work out the knots in each other's shoulders and backs and necks.
The bruises, the aching, those are necessary for growth. We learn how to treat them. We get stronger.
I kind of feel like any struggle in my life, I can look to circus for a metaphor to help me understand it.
I'm not afraid of bruises. They're just my skin changing color, adapting to these new movements. The appear, and they fade.
I'm not afraid of falling. My grip is improving. I trust the rope. I have a mat underneath me, and a group of people to coach me through difficult positions where I feel like I can't get out safely.
The fear of being weak is an excuse my mind clings to, and when I let it go it is clear it's not true. I am strong enough.
I will become stronger.
And weaker, too. That's okay.
Change is necessary.
I love the phrase Es necesario un cambio en el circo because you start with any word grouping and it means more or less the same thing, with a slight change of emphasis:
Es necesario un cambio en el circo
Un cambio en el circo es necesario
En el circo es necesario un cambio
Es necesario en el circo un cambio
Un cambio es necesario en el circo
En el circo un cambio es necesario
Like even the phrase itself defies immutability.
I don't usually post on Wednesdays, but obviously, things can always change ;)
Plus I missed a post, so I can say this makes up for that.
But yeah, this experience in circus today just felt really important to me, and I really wanted to write that out. There are so many additional pieces to this that didn't quite fit in, and more thoughts bouncing around in my mind. But... mostly I'm glad that circus is part of my life, especially here in Argentina. And I'm really glad for this reminder that I am experiencing things here that I wouldn't have experienced otherwise. I've been clinging onto a lot of fear recently, and I've been feeling pretty exhausted, and receiving this amazing energy from my small aerial rope group has really helped me face those things.
<3 thanks
Es necesario un cambio en el circo / (A) change is necessary in circus
Y el circo crea también un cambio / And circus also creates (a) change
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